Category: Christmas

It’s once again time to tell tales and make the offering…

Well of course I made it sound ominous. Don’t worry, this is a good thing. Really. Hopefully for you, specifically.

As a lot of you know, my writing career began in Los Angeles. I’d left the film industry to write full time. I was bringing in rent money doing movie reviews and screenwriter/ director interviews. Sold a few short stories. Sold my first novel for a very small advance. My beloved had won a major screenwriting fellowship and was also reading scripts for various contests. Between the two of us… things were usually tight, but we were happy. We were doing what we wanted to do, even if we were living that near-poverty artist’s life some folks likes to glamorize.

But some of you probably know it doesn’t take much for “near-poverty” to become “poverty.” Just a nudge. A late payment from your job. One “whoops” from a clerk that results in a double-charge on the credit card. Sickness. An accident.

Boom.

Poverty.

Not tight on cash. Not, oh we’ll need to cut back for a month or two. Poverty. As federally defined. We were below-the-poverty-line poor for three solid years in Los Angeles, one of those cities famous for its low cost of living. We did our grocery shopping at the 99 Cent Store. Our phone was shut off. We stole toilet paper from the library when we went there to use the internet. We couldn’t afford to turn the heat on. At least twice, off the top of my head, I had to borrow gas money from friends so I could go to work. Yeah, I literally didn’t have enough money to go to work.

That level of poverty means you have an ongoing dread, a sense of being trapped and powerless that almost never shuts off. It means stressing over every interaction with anyone and anything in your life. It’s being painfully aware of what you don’t have and what you can’t do.

Weird as a it may sound, these feelings can get even worse during the holiday season. Because so much of the holidays is about giving, and when you’re poor you just… you’ve got nothing to give. It doesn’t matter how much you care about someone, it doesn’t matter how much you want to do for them. And the reason it doesn’t matter because you’ve got nothing.

And for the past few decades, some folks have made it very clear they’ll judge you because of all this. They’ll see you as less of a person because of your poverty. Because of what you’re unable to do. At every office party or gathering of friends or family dinner. There are some folks judging you for being trapped and powerless.

Believe me, I know how bad it sucks. I’m in a much better place now—thanks mostly to all of you reading this—and I wish I could tell you it all goes away once you’re back on your feet. But it doesn’t. I still feel that sudden sinking in my gut when my card has a glitch at the register. Hell, it just happened a few weeks ago while I was doing the book tour.

So look– if I can help some of you avoid that sinking, powerless feeling this season—the low I felt for those Christmases—I’d like to do it.

Here’s the deal. If you’re in a bad place and can’t afford gifts for your family or friends, shoot me note at my old business email– PeterClines101 @ yahoo.com (it’s also the newsletter’s default email, so if you’re subscribed you can just reply to a newsletter). I’ve got maybe a dozen random copies of my books, and a few audiobook CD sets, too (if that works better for you). I’ll autograph one for whoever you like and mail it out so you have something to give this season. Or I can send it directly to someone else, if you need it shipped. I’ll even gift wrap it if you need that. I’ll do this for as long as the books last, or until maybe a week before Christmas? Want to have time for things to get where they’re going.

Oh, every year a few folks offer read this and offer to chip in and help out. It’s appreciated, but you don’t need to do that. This is all covered. But you could go be fantastic people in your own community. I guarantee, there’s a Toys for Tots dropoff or a food bank within ten or twenty miles of you right now that could really use your offer of help, especially this year.

Just to be clear, sorry to hammer it home—this is for those of you who need some help getting gifts for others. The people who are pulling unemployment, cutting back on everything, and feeling trapped because they can’t afford gifts for family or friends. Also, we’re using the honor system here, folks, so if you’re only trying to save yourself some money or score an autographed book… well, I won’t be able to stop you. But never forget you’re an awful person and you’re taking a potential bright moment away from someone who really needs it this season. And you’ll deserve whatever karma sends back your way. Sorry.

Anyway… please let me know if I can help you out.

Happy Holidays.

Okay, this may feel random to some of you, but it’s sort of a tradition I’ve got here. I’d like to interrupt your post-Thanksgiving shopping stress with a little tale of poverty and capitalism and hope.

And then… I’d like to make some of you an offer.

My partner and were full time aspiring writers in Los Angeles for many years. For a good chunk of it, she was far more successful than me, although I was bringing in bare-bones rent money with some of my film journalism and movie reviews, selling an occasional short story here and there. Even sold my first book for a very small advance. We weren’t living great, but we managed our balancing act and we were happy.

The problem with a balancing act, of course, is it doesn’t take much to make you fall. And once you fall, well… it can be really tough to get back up to that highwire. If you ever can. At one point the magazine I was writing for hit financial problems and got very slow about paying. We had a bunch of totally normal “unexpected” expenses—minor car repairs, sick cat, random bank fees. And then just like that… we were falling.

We were below-the-poverty-line poor for three solid years. And whenever I say that someone laughs and says “oh, ha ha, couldn’t afford the latest shiny toy?’ To which I say, no, we couldn’t afford food. We did all of our shopping at the 99 Cent Store. We stole toilet paper from the library when we went there to use the internet. Our phone was shut off. We couldn’t turn the heat on.

We were so poor, at one point Shane-frikkin’-Black offered to sit down with me over coffee and do an interview for the magazine and I had to turn him down. I made up some crap excuse rather than admit I didn’t have enough money to buy a coffee, and possibly not even enough for gas to get me across the city to where he was.

I literally didn’t have enough money to go to work.

Being poor is just ongoing tension. It’s a constant feeling of being trapped and powerless. Of being painfully aware of what you don’t have and what you can’t do. Of having no agency, as some might like to say.

And these days—hell, for the past decade or two—some folks have made it very clear that they judge you because of that. They find you lacking as a person because of your poverty. Because of what you’re unable to do.

All these feelings are even worse at the holidays. Because so much of the holidays is about giving, and when you’re poor you just… you’ve got nothing to give. It doesn’t matter how much you care about someone, it doesn’t matter how much you want to do for them. It doesn’t matter because you’ve got nothing.

And again… you can feel people judging you over it. At every office party or gathering of friends or family dinner. There are folks judging you for being trapped and powerless.

It really sucks. I know. I remember. I’m in a much better place now—thanks mostly to all of you reading this—but I still feel that clench in my gut any time my card doesn’t immediately go through at the register.

So if I can help some of you avoid feeling that gut-clench this season—the low I had to feel for those Christmases—I’d like to do it.

Here’s the offer. If you’re in a bad place and can’t afford gifts for your family or friends, shoot me note at my old business email– PeterClines101@yahoo.com. I’ve got about a dozen random books I’ll autograph to whoever you want and mail out to you so you’ve got something to give this season. Or I can send it to that someone else, if you need it shipped. I could even gift wrap it. No cost, no strings, just me helping you. I’ll send them out for as long as the books last. You can request a specific book but I can’t promise anything on that end. Like I said, random.

Oh, and I’ve got a few audiobook sets, too. The ones that are a wallets of CDs? If audiobooks work better, just say so. I still can’t promise which one you’ll get, but if it’d be better for your chosen person, let me know.

Just to be clear, this offer isn’t so you can recommend someone who might like a free book. You could do that—go get them a book. This is for those of you who need some help getting gifts for others. The people who are cutting back on everything, and feeling trapped because they can’t afford gifts for family or friends.

And look, every year a few folks read this and offer to chip in and help out. I’ve got it, but thanks. And hey, again, you can go be fantastic people all on your own. I guarantee, there’s a toy bank or gift bank or food bank or a homeless shelter or some kind of program within ten miles of you right now that could really use your offer of help–either actual help or throwing them a couple bucks. You could go help out in your own community..

Also… I’m doing this on the honor system, so if you’re just trying to save yourself some money or score an autographed book… well, I won’t be able to stop you. Just know you’re taking a potential bright moment away from someone who really needs it this holiday season and you’re an awful person for doing it. And you’ll probably burn in Hell before Krampus feeds your charred corpse to a squale.

Anyway, please let me know if you need some help.

Happy Holidays.

Eventually, all the franchises end up in space.

Well, I guess it’s time I gave the talk…

If you’re sort of new to my writing, me, and/ or the ranty blog, you probably don’t know that I went through a very solid bout of poverty on my path to becoming a semi-successful writer. I’d been making an okay living in the film industry, and when I moved to freelance journalism it was a little tighter but still livable. Then the economy crumbled in 2008 and the magazine I did most of my writing for started to flounder. Paychecks started to lag, and I pretty much had to blackmail the publisher for three of them (never got my last one). I had a few unexpected-but-completely-normal expenses (car repairs, a sick cat, a lost filling).

And then after about a year and a half of this… I had nothing.

And to be clear, I mean, nothing. Savings completely gone. Credit cards maxed out. My partner and I lived right at the federal poverty line for almost three years. In Los Angeles. We shopped pretty much exclusively at the 99¢ Store. Our phone got shut off. We had no internet at home, so we used the library’s wifi for everything (go libraries!), and while we were there we’d steal a roll or three of toilet paper (sorry, libraries). We didn’t turn the heat on for two winters in a row. Hell, for one assignment I had to beg an editor to loan me gas money so I could drive to a screening he’d asked me to cover.

Three years like that. Three. Years. Constantly stressed. Constantly feeling like crap.

Especially at the holidays.

The holiday season’s the worst when you’re poor. You can’t afford to buy gifts for family or friends. You can’t afford to travel. Hell, there were times we got invited to nice Christmas parties and had to skip them because we couldn’t afford to park where they were being held (friggin’ LA). Being poor at the holidays means you end up feeling isolated at a time when people are supposed to be coming together.

And I ended up feeling guilty about it, too. I spent time stressing about if maybe there was something else I could’ve done with my at the time floundering career. About the people I loved who it felt like I was neglecting. About what people thought about me, being so poor I couldn’t even get something for my significant other or my family.

Being poor means feeling like that all the time. Pretty much from mid-November to mid January. Nothing but guilt and dread and shame and self-doubt.

Being poor at the holidays absolutely sucks.

Now, all that said… I’m in a better position these days, and I owe a good part of that to all of you. Because for some reason you like these odd stories I tell. And if I can help some of you avoid feeling miserable this holiday season, I’d like to do it.

So here’s the deal. If you’re in that bad place right now, where you can’t afford to give gifts to your family or friends, send me a message at PeterClines101@yahoo.com . I’ve got maybe a dozen random books, and I might be able to scrounge up two or three more if need be. I’ll scribble in one and mail it out to you (postage is on me, too). I’ll even throw in wrapping paper if you need it. If you know your gift-target would like a specific book, feel free to request it, but please understand I can’t promise anything, sorry (I have what I have). I’ll send them out for as long as the books last or December 11th-ish (for shipping reasons), whichever comes first.

It’s not much, I know. But it’ll be a gift you can give someone. And maybe you can feel a little less stressed and shamed at the holidays.

Again, this is for those of you who need some help getting gifts for others. The people cutting back on everything, pulling unemployment, and feeling like crap because they can’t afford holiday gifts for family or friends. This isn’t so you can recommend someone in a bad spot who might like a book. You could do that for them. Seriously, go buy them a book. And buy locally! Support your local bookstores

Also—almost every year two or three folks offer to help out with this. Thanks so much for the thought, but you don’t need to do this for me. You can go be fantastic people all on your own. I guarantee, there’s a toy bank or food bank or some kind of program within ten miles of you right now that could really use some help. And you could be the person to give that help.

And finally, I’m doing this on the honor system, so if you’re just trying to save some cash or score an autographed book from my limited supply… well, I won’t be able to stop you. Just know you’re a truly selfish, deplorable person and you’re taking away what might’ve been someone’s only bright moment this season. And Krampus will feed you to a squale because of it.

So… Happy Holidays.

And here we are, at that wonderful time of year when a young man’s thoughts turn toward… Nakatomi Plaza.

I wanted to do a holiday-ish post, and then (while watching a favorite seasonal movie) it hit me I could address a fierce debate that’s surged up over the past few years. And maybe I could even make it semi-educational. From a writing point of view.

Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

Now, let’s be honest. If you’ve got strong opinions about this, I’m not going to change your mind. But if you’re somebody who cares a lot about stories (and if you’re reading this, I’d guess there’s a semi-decent chance you are) maybe this week’s little ramble will make you look at Mr. McLane’s late December adventure a little differently. And maybe some other stories, too.

With that disclaimer out of the way… let’s start by talking a bit about the difference between an element and a genre. I’ve mentioned this before, so I won’t go into it too much. Simply put, there are a lot of labels we can slap on both story elements and genres, but the presence of one doesn’t automatically create another. For example, there’s a strong romance element in Bloodshot, the Vin Diesel movie that came out earlier this year. It’s also got a few funny moments. But I don’t think any of you would be surprised to learn Bloodshot isn’t considered a romantic-comedy. Romance, comedy, suspense, mystery, horror, sci-fi… all of these things can be in a story that’s not in that same-named genre.

So let’s talk about Christmas as an element and as a genre.

As an element, Christmas can be a couple things. Easiest is the setting—it’s a specific timeframe that pretty much everyone on Earth knows and can understand to some extent, even if they don’t celebrate the holiday themselves. Also worth noting that Christmas is one of those (if you think about it) rare holidays that has a very fixed date, unlike lots of other that slide around the calendar a bit each year.

Christmas is also in the details and descriptions. Christmas trees, wreaths, presents, garland, lights, a Santa on every corner and a snowman in every yard. These are things I can mention in my story (or show in my movie) and they create an immediate association for people.

It’s also a mood, and a lot of traditions. If I’ve got a story set at Christmas, it’ll probably show up in dialogue. Let’s face it, people interact and talk a little differently in December, no matter which way they feel about any particular holiday. Scrooge is a little nastier. That super-peppy woman at the coffeeshop is almost scarily happy and peppy.

I think there’s a lot of movies and stories out there that get marketed as Christmas tales, but really just have a few random elements tossed in. We could move said movie to Memorial Day weekend or a random bank holiday and nothing notable would change. The romance would have the same meet cute, the comedy would have the same awkward moment at the dinner table, the zombie movie would have the same stupid montage of our protagonist fighting the horde witha baseball bat.

And this would bring us to Christmas the genre. There’s a lot of thoughts on defining genre (I’ve shared some too) but I think one notable thing is how abundant those elements are. Eventually the romance or the comedy becomes a dominant aspect and we think of this story as a romance, a comedy, or maybe a romantic comedy if it’s got both. The horror or sci-fi elements are so intrinsic to the plot my novel would crumble without them.

What marks something as part of the Christmas genre? The setting, absolutely. Sometimes the characters. It’s really hard to do a movie where Santa or Rudolph’s a main character and not have it be a Christmas story. And we see a lot of common themes in the Christmas genre. Joy. Peace. Happiness. Love. Togetherness.

Simple, right?

However…

There’s another aspect to this, and it’s something I hinted at up above and once talked about with (shameless name drop in three… two…) Shane Black. Christmas, maybe more than any other Western holiday, is an amplifier. Everything hits a little harder at this time of year. Romance is great, but Christmas romance is even better. Friendship is wonderful, but being with your friends at Christmas is fantastic. Family squabbles can be funny, but during the holidays they’re even funnier. And, yeah, puppies are great, but have you ever seen CHRISTMAS PUPPIES?!?

(seriously, you just grinned at the thought of Christmas puppies, didn’t you? See?)

And, yeah, this goes the other way. If something’s tense, it’s three times as tense at Christmas (scientifically measured). When something horrible happens, it’s even more horrible because it happened at Christmas. And to touch on a serious issue, depression’s never great, but depression during the holidays is just awful.

So I think it’s fair to say there are stories that may lean heavily toward non-Christmas elements, but the Christmas setting amplifies these stories. It inherently makes them more than they would be without it. Not a coincidence how many Christmas stories involve finding true love or reuniting with your family. And there’s a serious glut of Christmas horror movies. No, seriously. They’ve been a thing for decades.

Now… keeping all that in mind… let’s talk about Die Hard.

Die Hard is loaded with Christmas elements. I mean, 90% of it is set at a Christmas party gone very bad. And it’s a high-end party so decorations are everywhere. Really, look at a lot of these scenes and check out how often there’s a wreath, a garland, a Christmas tree, something. I’d bet half the scenes in this movie have a direct, visual tie to Christmas. And the music! It’s all Christmas music. All of it.

Plus, this setting is a big driver for the plot. John’s out in LA to see his kids and maybe patch things up with his wife. The Christmas party is why there are so many people conveniently in the building after hours to be taken as hostages. The watch she got as a Christmas gift from her boss is a point of contention (and a great Chekhov’s gun). When the FBI wants to shut down power to the building, the main reason there’s a fight is because it would mean shutting off the electricity to ten blocks of LA on Christmas Eve. Hell, John’s last minute surprise for Hans Gruber and his Huey Lewis look-alike pal? Remember how he pulls that off…?

Finally… the amplification factor. Realizing your relationship is collapsing is always bad, but on Christmas Eve? Sweet jebus, that’s a gut punch. Getting taken hostage absolutely sucks, but when it happens at the company Christmas party? And issuing ominous threats to the bad guys is badass, but when you get to tag on Ho-Ho-Ho…? Seriously, it’s one of the most memorable moments in a movie filled with great moments.

And so many of those moments get cranked up five or ten percent higher ‘cause we’re constantly reminded… it’s Christmas.

So… is Die Hard a Christmas movie? I mean, I think it is. And if you want to argue it isn’t then I think there’s a lot of other movies (many of them with Christmas in the title) that we’d have to toss out as well. ‘Cause if we’re saying hitting all these benchmarks doesn’t matter… well…

Look, nobody likes a grinch, okay?

With that, speaking of grinches, I give you one last shameless capitalist reminder that you can give people ebooks as last-minute gifts, and I happen to have a ton of them out there.